


No One Wins

by lykelee171



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Heavy - Freeform, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not a nielwink story, Very angst, ongwink, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-08-10 11:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20134438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lykelee171/pseuds/lykelee171
Summary: Previously titled: That Ongwink Angst You Regret ReadingWhen 2 people love in different ways, and they don't know it.Warning: This is very heavy angst and has A LOT of feels.





	No One Wins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chantilly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chantilly/gifts).

> This is something I have been working on for a LONG LONG time haha. Ever since Val kinda convinced me that Ongwink should be a thing, I felt like this fic would be perfect for them. 
> 
> The beginning is deceiving. Do not form judgement until you finish this work please! I know I have written Jihoon is a very unfavourable light but know that I can only write that for him and not other members because many readers know that I am a Jihoon stan so you know I have no ill intent. 
> 
> THIS IS FICTION. NON OF THEM ARE LIKE THIS IRL.
> 
> This is the long promised ongwink to Val. Thank you for being so cute and lovely :) I hope this will help you feel better (prob not because this is angst asdfghjk but the fluff is coming up! I promise!!! hahaha)

“Seongwu-ah!” He heard his mother-in-law call out from the kitchen. He rushed down the stairs, nearly missing a step as he stumbled into the kitchen. 

Mrs Park was standing in her apron, although not doing any of the cooking herself (she has maids to do that).

“We ran out of milk, go out and get some!” She ordered.

Seongwu plastered on a bright smile, lips stretching out into a teeth-filled grin. “Yes, anything else?”

“While you are at it, get some of those fishballs with meat filling in them. And the ice cream Jihoon-ie likes to eat. Get some extra of that.”

_ Jihoonie _, Mrs Park called out with so much affection, Seongwu nearly cooed. The prince of the household was about to return from his business trip and, as usual, Mrs Park was busy preparing a feast for his return. Seongwu knew his in-laws doted on their son, and he was grateful for that. “I will be back soon!” Seongwu walked out, grocery bag in tow.

At the supermarket, he met familiar faces, greeting all the ladies who frequented. “Hi Dani, I’ll have to fight you for that last packet of meatballs!” Seongwu teased. 

Dani giggled in response. “I already have one in my cart! You can have this other packet. I will tell my Madam that they ran out. Sir, take this!.” 

Seongwu smiled gratefully at the lady, “Next time we meet, let me treat you to coffee, I insist.”

“No sir!” Dani replied, both hands shaking in protest. “The cafes here are very expensive! There is no need for that.” 

_ But Seongwu made a mental note to fulfill his promise the next time he saw the housemaid working for house 14. _ Most of the helpers working in this residential area were very young when they left their countries for this job. Some of them forged documents to fake their ages in order to earn income for their families back home. Most of the times, they weren’t treated well either, often overworked to the point of exhaustion. And of course, they must miss their homes too. As such, Seongwu made sure he treated them with the utmost respect; they did leave their families to work for them after all. He often took the helpers out for coffee or desserts when his in-laws were away on holiday. He never got caught, or maybe they were turning a blind eye. As such, Seongwu made sure to carry out his orders dutifully, like the perfect son-in-law would.

He trailed to the dairy aisle, scanning the different variety of milk on display in the refrigerators. 

The new addition to the display caught his attention, _ Organic and Hand-milked from Happy cows _ . Seongwu laughed internally before gasping at the pricetag. _ $20 for 1 litre? _Surely, nobody would buy this, right?

But he hesitated. _ What would milk hand-milked taste like? Do happy cows produce better milk? How did they even measure the cows’ happiness in the first place? _

All the curious questions flooded his mind as he felt his eyebrows scrunch together, forehead tensing up.

_ Well, it costs more so it has to be good, right? _ Seongwu rationalised and plucked the jug off the shelf and into his cart. He then went around the store a few more times, not forgetting to grab the ice cream his husband adored, before returning to the house begrudgingly.

“Look at what I found!” Seongwu exclaimed as he whipped out the milk from the grocery bag to show his mother-in-law. “Do you know how much this costs? A whopping $20!”

“What!” Mrs Park eyes bulged out of her sockets. “Why is it so expensive?”

“Because it is **hand-milked ** from **happy cows!**” Seongwu laughed at his discovery, before whipping out the next peculiar item he found: green tea flavoured noodles.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He wanted to punch his own smile off his face. He was tired of smiling, _ tired of pretending everything was okay _ . This couldn’t be healthy; Seongwu could feel his own soul slowly crumble inside of his vessel. _ It had been for years. He had the chance to flee but he ignored it. _ He started with the facade and now he was expected to continue it, despite how tiring it was to uphold. He doesn’t know who he was anymore, neither did he know when he had lost his way. Humans are such complex beings, and he had always prided himself on being a simple and honest person, an open book. But he now knew the drawbacks and he hated himself for it. 

_ Him and his mother-in-law had fallen into a casual conversation about the latest celebrity breakup on the news. It was very public and messy and Seongwu couldn’t help but insert his 2 cents. “He cheated on her, I pity her.” _

_ But it was her words that stunned him the most. It highlighted how different their upbringing were and also how blind a mother’s love could be. “It does not matter if he cheated or not. The one who initiates the divorce is in the wrong. They are weak. She is weak. She doesn’t have the ability to hold her marriage together. She should be learning from her mistakes and applying it to who to hold on to her man.” _

  


_ It was such backward thinking that left a sour taste in Seongwu’s mouth. It stung. He couldn’t help but let the next few words escape his lips, “But she must have suffered for a while now learning about her husband’s infidelity. Isn’t that strength?” _

_ He could feel the air tense, or maybe it was his tensing shoulders. “If I were her mother-in-law, she isn’t getting any alimony. That is the price to pay for the disgrace put upon the family.” _

_ He knew that last line was targeted to him. _

  
  
  
  


His back slowly slid down the wall he was resting on, bottoms plopping to the marble floor. It was cool against his heated skin, chills felt through his clothing. He looked up at the ceiling, desperate for any form of spiritual being to show up now. _ Because that’s how they worked right? They appear when they are needed most? _But he remained alone, just him and his blaring thoughts. 

_ “You think too much,” _ His husband would always say, not even sparing him a glance, not even noticing his moment of vulnerability. And it was his voice that echoed the loudest in his head. And as much as he wanted to tell Jihoon to shut up, he knew he agreed with him. Indeed he thought too much. And he wanted it to stop too. 

He wanted the voices to stop. With how much he referenced the voices in his head, one would think that he was schizophrenic. But the voices were his own-- the demeaning ones used to belong to his husband, but slowly, they took the sound of Seongwu’s own voice. And he knew that it was ridiculous to have it shape his being, but there was nothing else he could rely on for comfort or reassurance. 

_ “Because you tell everyone everything,” _ Jihoon would also tell Seongwu. _ “You give them the material to use against you, so your suffering is your fault. There isn’t anyone else to blame.” _

_ Just like how you used this against me? _Seongwu wanted to say but kept his lips sealed, knowing that such words would do nothing but hurt Jihoon. 

Seongwu was never this self-depreciating in the past. If other people took advantage of him, _ they _ were at fault because _ they _ did wrong. There was nothing wrong with being an honest person. And there was everything wrong with using others for your own gain. Seongwu was a good person, and he used to know that. But along the line, the division blurred. As he was betrayed time and time again, perhaps the fault did lie with _ him _. Perhaps he was the root cause for his own misery.

And in a twisted way, that logic now made more sense. He had nobody to blame for his own demise. If he were to crumble some more into insanity, it was his fault. 

His mother’s face flashed before his eyes and Seongwu struggled to keep his tears at bay, as if it wasn’t already threatening to fall before that. He felt the familiar tingles in his ribcage, the familiar sensation of his heart breaking. It was something he didn’t even mind any more. Guilt overwhelmed his system, or had it always been there? Laying dormant until the vital time for reactivation? He regretted it all. He sacrificed time to fight for something not worth fighting for. He fought for something he ended up losing anyway, and along with it, he lost his sanity, self-worth, _ everything. _ If he could go back in time to do things differently, he would. He wouldn’t be able to add to his mother’s lifeline but it would certainly add to the time they had _ together. _

But he did the one thing he swore to her he’d never do: _ Lie. _

He lied that everything was alright because he had grown accustomed to doing that. He lied to cover up all the _ shit _Jihoon had done to their marriage and yet no one appreciated it. And he regretted it. Because it turned into nothing, and Seongwu lost time with his mother instead. 

He did so much for Jihoon and he still ended up losing. _ And Jihoon didn’t even care. _

  
  
  


He should have left when he was given the opportunity to. Now he was trapped because he had nowhere else to go. He now had no mother to turn to, the same warm embrace that used to comfort him whenever he was struggling or having a hard time. 

He recalled the times he had turned down her invitations for meals, citing things like his mother-in-law required him to help out with her guests or that Jihoon needed his company. All of these reasons now sounded like excuses. He could have just told them _ no _ . And as time passed, his mother’s health deteriorated, just like how most old people did. And before long, he received the daunting phone call that she had left; _ and he didn’t even get to say goodbye. _

He wondered if she was watching him right now, seeing him in this pathetic state. Bold of him to assume there was another side after death, not when he proved the absence of a deity earlier. He knew that she would be disappointed with him. Because the solution had always been crystal clear: _ leave _. But he didn’t. 

He wondered if she watched him descend into this state of depression after everything that had happened. How he returned from the hospital after her passing to an emotionless Jihoon. 

_ “Have some rest,” _Seongwu could still remember Jihoon’s voice, so cold it sent chills down to his tailbone. 

He wondered if she watched him when Jihoon did it again, on the final day of her wake. When both of them returned from the funeral, Jihoon excused himself from their room, disappearing into the night. Only to come home with a new scent, possibly from a different man. 

Seongwu tried to reach out for help, but was only met with radio silence. Nobody acknowledged his loss, his grief. Almost as if his feelings didn’t matter. Almost as if her death didn’t matter. _ No, it mattered to him _. 

And by association, was it his fault that her death was inconsequential? 

  
  


He regretted his first words to Jihoon the first time he found him cheating, _ “As long as you don’t bring it home.” _

It must have given Jihoon the pass to continue with whatever he wanted. And although he knew that his husband was to blame, he couldn’t help but pin it on himself instead. _ It was because he wasn’t enough for him _, Seongwu would find these words floating in his head. And he wasn’t of a sound mind then, and neither was he now, because he believed it wholeheartedly.

And now he was sitting on the floor, like a child. _ But he was not a child _ , _ not with everything he had to deal with in the past year _. 

  
  


** _Arff!_ **

A small Schnauzer bumped its moist nose against Seongwu’s bare arm. Instinctively, Seongwu gathered the puppy in his arms for the cuddle he needed. He sniffed that doggy scent, letting it calm his system, letting it comfort him. _ I am staying for you, _ Seongwu whispered into Max’s floppy ear, hoping it understood. _ Your other father loves you very much and so I am certain he won’t allow me to take you with me. I am staying for you, so you have to behave okay? _

Max squirmed in his hold. Seongwu scoffed. Of course Max wouldn’t understand. He was a dog. _ Seongwu, you are trying to talk to a dog. _

But Max hooked his jaw across Seongwu’s wrist, slowly relaxing. Seongwu noticed Max’s eyes were droopy, tired-looking. His eyes fluttered a little before turning heavy, eventually closing shut. _ Did you come here because you knew I was sad? _Seongwu thought, fingertips massaging behind Max’s ears. Seongwu smiled a sad smile.

He felt the stress slowly flowed out of his tense muscles as he relaxed slightly. His breathing slowed, falling into pace with the snores coming from his sleeping puppy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Jihoon returned from his business trip, the house was quiet and dark except for the guidelights on the front porch and grand staircase. Jihoon sighed, feeling the ache coming from his lower back that always nagged him before bending to retract the luggage handle and lift his luggage up the stairs. “Max?” He whispered, hoping that the pupper’s good hearing would alert him to his return. Silence, there was no sounds of padded paws on the marbled floors, no black fluffy animal in sight.

Jihoon placed his luggage at the head of the stairs, pulling back into an active stretch. He groaned as his joints clicked from underuse after his long haul flight. He clicked his tongue, lips pouted as he instinctively lowered into a squat. He squinted, hoping to make out his black haired son in the dim lighting. He turned to the door to his bedroom, _ their bedroom _ , and noticed light peeping through the door left slightly ajar. _ Didn’t I tell him not to wait up for me? _

Instinctively, he lifted his collar and sniffed. _ Nothing _ . He pulled up the handle of his luggage and lolled it across the polished marble floor. He paused. He looked through the gap between the door and its frame to see his husband, lazing in the covers, fluffy son asleep across his lap. He felt his heart warm at the sight. _ Sleeping Max is the cutest. _ The television illuminated his features as he stared for a while. _ He truly is beautiful _, Jihoon thought as he pushed open the door.

  


“I thought I told you to sleep first?” was the first thing Jihoon said when he entered their bedroom, shutting their door behind them. “Why are you still up?”

Seongwu gave Jihoon a drowsy smile and shrugged nonchalantly. “I would wake up anyway when you returned. You know I am a light sleeper.”

“I have a few things for you,” Jihoon’s eyes sparkled in excitement, laying his luggage flat on its belly before opening it. “This one is really cute, reminds me of you.” Jihoon fished out a stuffed seal, size so big it took up majority of the luggage space. “It has the three moles on it’s cheek like yours. And he smiles like you too, ‘w’ shaped.”

Jihoon looked at the doll with pride; he had spent nearly $50 dollars on the claw machine to obtain it. The children at the arcade were watching with awe when he succeeded. Jihoon was truly proud. _ And it is adorable and soft _, Jihoon thought. 

  


But when he redirected his attention to Seongwu, he was met with a forced smile. He knew it was forced because he has seen it too many times before. Jihoon’s heart dropped, disappointment filled his system. _ He does not like it _, Jihoon knew. Disappointment is so familiar to him at this point; it spreads from his chest across his abdomen, making his stomach feel kind of uncomfortable. It twists his insides somehow, but he always maintains his cool. He keeps his smile, pretending not to pay attention to the mood shift. “Why? Do you not like it? We can give it to Max then.”

  
  


“You played the claw machine again didn’t you? How much did you spend this time?” 

  


Jihoon chose not to respond. He dug around his luggage to pull out a few new cosmetic products. He tossed them onto their bed lightly, one of which caused Max to jump awake. “So sorry!” Jihoon rushed to Max’s side, scooping the puppy up into his arms into a cradle. He bounced with his knees, swaying as he tried to put Max back to sleep. Maw looked up and sniffed Jihoon’s chin before his wet tongue licked right across Jihoon’s lips. _ Gross _. 

  


Seongwu pulled back the duvet, as he went to organise Jihoon’s purchases. He fiddled with them, reading the packaging as Jihoon plopped onto the bed with the dog still in his embrace. Jihoon stroked Max’s hair gently, the puppy slowly being lulled back into sleep by the action, eyelids falling heavy. Jihoon felt himself smiling as the puppy grew drowsy, paws slowly dropping as he relaxed in his father’s arms. Jihoon turned his attention to his husband who was currently unpacking his luggage, taking out his dirty laundry. “Do that tomorrow,” Jihoon instructed Seongwu, to which the latter ignored. 

“You won’t do it,” Seongwu never once looked Jihoon’s way, focusing on his task at hand. “It will take a few minutes.”

Seongwu gathered the clothes in his arms, piling over his tiny frame, before walking out their bedroom to deposit it in the laundry basket, Jihoon figured. The bedroom was empty. He glanced around the room and found nothing out of place. He gently placed Max into his bed at the foot of theirs. The dog squirmed a little before Jihoon caressed across his eyes to shut them mechanically. Jihoon chuckled as this tricked the pup into falling back to sleep. He sighed as he felt the exhaustion finally pool at his feet. He pushed himself off the floor and trudged to the bathroom. Seongwu was brushing his teeth, mouth full of foam. 

Jihoon reached across him to pull his electronic razor from it’s charging port and switched it on. It was silent except his razor buzzing. Jihoon liked the silence. The peace and quiet after weeks of networking and meetings. _ He isn’t suited for this job, _ Jihoon always thought. _ But everyone always said that he was good at it. _He had the gift of communication skills, able to draw people in with his words. He could bring in many clients, make them stay. But many do not know that this takes a huge toll on Jihoon’s body. It exhausts so much social energy, having to force a sociable facade for hours on end. 

  


_ Imagine having to put it on at home too _, Jihoon thought sarcastically. Jihoon let out another sigh. He was just tired. He wanted to sleep. When he raised his head to meet Seongwu’s reflection, the latter scoffed, almost as if he was upset. He spat out his toothpaste and rinsed his mouth in obvious anger and irritation. “What now?” Seongwu asked, voice tense. 

“Wha-” 

“You are mad at me for no reason again, is it because of the stuffed toy?” Seongwu interrupted.

“No, I am just tired,” Jihoon replied, resigned. 

“Well so am I. I waited for you. I had a busy day today and I am tired too.”

“Not as tired as me, I bet,” Jihoon muttered under his breath, clicking his razor back into its holder. 

“I get tired too,” Seongwu said, exasperated, nostrils flaring. 

“You stay at home all day--”

“You have no idea what your mother said to me today--”

“Then why am I at fault here?”

“You are the one who got angry first!” Seongwu was heaving, breathing unsteady. 

Jihoon was the same, his face was flushed, but he realised it was less from anger but more from frustration. He must have pretty thin skin because blood always seemed to pool across his cheeks and ears whenever he is confronted or felt any sort of extreme emotions. Jihoon felt the heat of his cheeks accompanying the redness of his skin. Jihoon sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He forced his breathing to even, avoiding Seongwu’s eyes. His breath ended up jagged, he bit his lip in frustration. “I never said,” He tried to maintain an even voice. “I never said you aren’t tired. I just said that I was very tired. That is all.”

  
  


Jihoon didn’t dare to meet Seongwu’s eyes, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it today. He was simply too tired, _ too drained. Can we do this tomorrow please? _He wanted to beg. 

But it seemed like Seongwu already decided for Jihoon, leaving the bathroom and slamming their bedroom door in his wake. Jihoon could feel his headache forming and he so desperately wants to flee. 

  


_ For tonight, _ he decided, _ he was going to stay tonight. It was too late to leave anyway. _Jihoon quickly brushed his teeth and re-entered their bed room. The lights were already switched off.

  
  
  


Staring at the silhouette of the bed outlined by the streetlights outside their window, Jihoon felt his body overwhelm with sleep. He dragged his feet towards his side of the bed and peeled back the duvet cover. He was prepared to crawl into bed, but paused. He stared at his husband’s back, shape of his spine evident through his silk pajamas. _ When had he gotten so thin? _ He wondered. His sluggishly slow brain reminded him of the words he had uttered during in the bathroom, _ had his mother said something again? What can he do anyway? _ Jihoon’s head started to ache, and as he shook it, it increased in intensity. He groaned internally, begging the sleep gods to help him sleep tonight. He had promised Seongwu that he would wean off the sleeping pills. _ He sure regretted making that promise now. _

He entered the sheets knee first, slowly falling back into his fluffy pillow. He turned to face his back, and scoots closer. Jihoon was tired and he wanted some comfort. He snuggled closer towards Seongwu, his source of warmth, left arm circling around Seongwu’s thin waist.

  
  


But the latter let out an indignant huff, pulling away from Jihoon, leaving him astounded by Seongwu’s pettiness. 

Jihoon rolled onto his back and stared at the empty ceiling, awaiting for the sleep gods to do their magic but help never came. He looked at Seongwu one more time. _ Fine. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He moved like an experienced machine. He descended down the stairs, each step heavier than the last but their staircase was too short for it to actually stop him. He grabbed his phone and his car keys and disappeared into the night in his favourite BMW.

  


He loved night cruises like this; typically, he would decide against such late trips but he really couldn’t bear to feel alone tonight. His heart weighed heavy in his chest but he had done this enough times for it not to matter anymore. With his thumb, he speed-dialed, activating the hands-free system in his car. A raspy voice picked up causing Jihoon to smile a little. 

“Did I wake you?” Jihoon chuckled when he heard whines from the receiving end.

“Jihoonie?” The voice was still heavy with sleep. A few more incoherent sounds were made from the other side. “I thought we weren’t meeting today?” 

  


“I could turn my car around if you are-”

  


“No!” The voice was more alert now. “I just thought you were going straight home today.”

  


“I am coming bearing gifts, hyung,” Jihoon smiled cheekily. “I know you will like them.”

  
  


Jihoon heard a loud thud from the speakers followed by a hiss of pain. Before he could even question, the latter explained that he had merely bumped his knee against his bedside table and knocked his alarm clock off it. Jihoon laughed. It was so clumsy of Daniel. And it was so expected of him too. He drummed his fingertips on the steering wheel as he listed to Daniel hum a song while brushing his teeth, he giggled when he heard the “plop” sound of Daniel taking a dump. “I am preparing for you,” Daniel explained hastily and Jihoon could already imagine Daniel’s face glowing beetroot red.

“There’s no need to, hyung,” Jihoon said, voice quiet. “I just want your famous bear cuddles tonight.”

  


Jihoon’s heart warmed when he heard the sounds of Daniel muting his own laughter with his palms. It was so easy to make him happy, _ Seongwu hyung used to be the same. _ He laughed internally at the bitter irony. Jihoon fell for Seongwu’s clumsy antics first; he found it endearing, down to earth. _ Something unlike the usual uptight pretty perfect people he met in his society. _ It was a breath of fresh air having someone actively care for him, talk to him. But over time, it grew suffocating. _ He was not brought up this way, of course he would not get used to being smothered with love 24/7. _He found himself escaping his home often to “play”. He always did this when he was younger. Whenever he felt annoyed at his mother, he would go to his cousins or friends’ house to play. And this was no different. He liked this mode of escape and he appreciated that Seongwu understood it too. 

_ We are individuals who need our space, _Jihoon thought, ignoring the fact that this had evolved into an excuse for him. After all, he wasn’t getting space tonight, he was headed straight into the arms of another man.

  
  
  
  
  


_ And it felt nice. _ Jihoon was welcomed at the door with long arms that made Jihoon feel small. Jihoon could feel the hard abs pressed against his own in the tight embrace, his hands started travelling. He breathed in the scent of his new favourite bodywash that stained Daniel’s skin. “I bought you a toy,” Jihoon whispered, pulling away from Daniel’s warm body.

Daniel gave Jihoon a suggestive smirk, sending the mighty businessman into a sputtering mess denying the alluded accusation. 

His heart warmed when Daniel’s eyes lit up like a christmas tree when he was gifted the stuffed cat, another prize from the claw machine but smaller. “How many tries did this take you?” Daniel asked, smile so dazzling it made Jihoon smile too. 

He spent the night there like he intended. And he returned in the morning.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Usually he would return to a quiet house where everyone remained asleep. But this time was different. As he entered his bedroom that dawn, he noticed Seongwu sitting up, awake in bed. 

  
  


“I can’t do this. So please don’t make me,” were Seongwu’s first words after a deafening silence. Jihoon felt his heart break when he heard Seongwu’s voice shake. “Please just answer me this, because it has kept me up all night.”

Jihoon approached cautiously, sitting on the furthest edge of the bed. “Do you still love me?” Seongwu’s voice broke. “Have you ever loved me?”

_ Of course, _ Jihoon wanted to say instantly but he feared that that would come across as ingenuine, a reflex. He assumed that Seongwu is implying that he didn’t love him and that was far from the truth. He bundled up the silk sheets between his fingers, twisting the smooth fabric nervously, creases formed between his brows like they did on the sheets. “What do you mean?” Jihoon spoke, voice deep and even.

But Seongwu saw Jihoon’s emotional detatchment as a lack of emotion and care. Seongwu felt his brittle heart break some more, crumbling into dust as if it hadn’t already been broken these past few years. He rolled his lower lip between his teeth, he sucked hard like he was trying to suck in his emotions. He doesn’t want Jihoon to win this. He was stronger. _ He was the older for goodness sake. _Seongwu must have been losing his mind because a snigger broke through his pursed lips. It was bitter, sour. Tears started forming as he struggled to look away. His breath hitched as his laughs slowly descend into chokes of tears and sobs. He let his face fall into his hands, fully distraught.

  
  
  
  


Jihoon looked away too, his eyes stung. He rarely cried. He didn’t want to start now. _ The first one to cry loses, _ his mother had taught him from young. _ But Seongwu is already crying, surely it is alright for me too? _

  


_ And why does it feel like I have lost, regardless? _

  
  
  
  


Jihoon crawled to Seongwu’s side and placed a comforting hand awkwardly on Seongwu’s back. He tried to soothe, hand patting like he does for Max, but Seongwu’s cries grew louder and Jihoon sniffed back his own tears.

  
  


_ What had he done so wrong? _ Jihoon was genuinely confused. _ How had he hurt Seongwu so much like this? _

  


“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jihoon muttered. “I’m sorry.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Phew so... I wrote this last week when I had a Really Really hard time lol. I am glad that I could finally write this. I was kinda scared of putting this out in the beginning because this portrays my real view on "love", maybe because I have NEVER been in love. 
> 
> The whole rationale for this fic is that there are so many different expressions of love. For this, Jihoon was brought up in a family where love is material. Gift giving, good food etc. That was all Jihoon knew. So he does that to express his love for Seongwu. But Seongwu feels unloved because to him, it was shallow. Seongwu is a very emotional person, as seen by the way he was written, emotions affecting his mind and body. Jihoon is more aloof? idk how to explain this. 
> 
> The reason for explaining myself here in the end note is to hopefully reduce the anon ccs I may get after this haha 
> 
> But please do let me know what you think! Good or bad, I would like to hear it all. ^^
> 
> In combination with this, here is a fluffy Ongwink haha
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/20272189


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